The 90-Day Rule

One of my favorite bloggers,Vivrant, requested that I give a full explanation of the 90-Day Rule. The 90-Day Rule is not my idea but something that was explained to me by a female friend of mine. She had just started seeing a guy and she noticed that he was constantly getting phone calls from other females. Her advice to him was that he had 90 days to clean up his act or miss a good thing. One day I asked her, “Why 90 days? I mean can’t you tell before that if dude is full of shit?” She replied, “I already know he is a good guy and that I want to be with him. I’m just giving him time to realize that ain’t shit out there better than me. Time to cut all his Plan B chicks! Y’all men are slow to see what’s right in front of you.” The more I thought about what she was saying, the more I agreed with her so I began to apply it to my dating life.

The 90-Day Rule

In an effort to get to know each other better, the potential couple agrees to abide by this following agreement. Since handbooks or instructions for life were never provided when we were born, here to, there are no absolute rules. These suggestions and guidelines are design to for us to determine if we want to be a couple, fuck friends, friends, or none of the above. Different events, time of year, and even the weather can influence our timing; therefore, the following suggestions are in random order. We will complete as many suggestions as we can (and make up more if appropriate) within a 90 day period.

1. Nothing brings out the truth better than some good drank. It’s up to you whether to do this immediately or wait a few weeks. It is very important to be relaxed and worry free for this exercise, so make sure there will be no plans to drive anywhere following this exercise. It should just be the two of you, without your friends around to influence the conversation or your answers. Just you and your shawty, 2 or 3 bottles of wine, a couple cases of beer and a bottle or two of Patron ought to be perfect. If you are not into adult beverages, use whatever substance causes your personality to default to its truthful self. That’s it. Just ask all the questions that you really want to ask. If you feel like this is job interview, stop talking and find something else to do. Trust your instincts, live for the moment and do what feels like the right thing to do at the time.

2. Discover what the other person’s “outside the relationship” interests are. We all need to be interested in something away from the relationship such as a hobby or career goals. You need something that will make you spend time apart. One must be comfortable enough with the others interest to encourage them to succeed. You are looking for balance here and not an obsession to be with someone, no matter how “hot” you think he/she is or how afraid you may be that they might find someone else because you aren’t with them constantly. Too much of anything, even a good thing can be very bad.

3. Discuss what you want to be when you grow up. We all have our hopes and dreams no matter what age we are. What you want to do for the rest of your life and your goals for the future are an important issue.

4. Talking on the phone can be a delicate subject, especially in the beginning of a relationship. It’s great to have long conversations if you want to, but if you don’t, don’t do it. If you don’t cut it short and talk for hours to avoid hurting the other person’s feelings, one of you is in trouble and the other is being deceived.

5. Find something to argue about. It doesn’t matter what the subject is, but the bigger the better. Pay attention to how the other person presents themselves. Determine if their method is passive or aggressive. The two most important things you are looking for is if they avoid conflict or meet it head on and if they can honestly communicate their true feelings. Be careful, you want to avoid the “built up and later blow up” situation.

6. As far as sex is concerned, you both need to do what’s right for you. If you both want to wait, go ahead and wait. If you both want to discover intimacy gradually, you should do that. In the event you want to jump each other because you need to know how the sex is before you proceed, do the damn thing! You should be thinking about compatibility here. Frequency, passion, and variety with sex are most important here. Being in harmony is important if you are looking for a real relationship.

7. One of the most important things in a relationship is a sense of humor. If you are attracted to the other person’s sense of humor, and you don’t have one, it can be an issue. Making each other laugh is one thing that will get you through some bad days.

8. Meet the friends. It doesn’t matter who or how many but you need to make that happen. This will disclose any negative feelings one might have about the other. If someone would feel embarrassed to let you meet their close friends, your relationship is relegated to the jump-off category immediately. If that isn’t what you want call it quits and walk away.

9. Let it be known to your other “friends” that you are not available. An easy way to ruin a new relationship is if you are constantly dealing with exes and other potential friends. Nobody thinks that you were just sitting at home waiting for them but having to fight for time and attention can reduce a person’s interest level.

10. Who’s the Boss! Is this going to be a democratic relationship or is one person clearly dominant? Are you willing to live with that? Sometimes one person is clearly the boss and the other partner is cool with that. If you both want to be in charge in the same situations, that is when problems arise.

When the 90-day period is over, we will use this experience to determine our trust in other, lifestyle compatibility, and chemistry. We understand that what happens after this is unknown but look forward to getting to know each other in hopes of establishing a healthy relationship.

P.S. At any point if you determine that the other person is crazy, this agreement automatically becomes null and void.


Smuckers said...

Wow!!! You continue to enlighten and entertain me!!! I especially agree with the "drink" thing. Liquor is the ULTIMATE truth serum...at least for me, anyway. I guess the only preface needed to these "steps" is to be honest in the VERY BEGINNING about your intentions. If you want a "fuck-buddy"....SAY IT!! If you want a "friend with benefits"....SAY IT!!! If you want a "life partner".....SAY IT!!! I'd respect a brother more if he's honest. I'm too busy and too old to be trying to "read between the lines and figure it out". Well DONE, Skoolboi!!!

The Jaded NYer said...

awww... you can't throw away the crazy folks! they make life fun

Vivrant said...

Awww shucks :) You're one of my fave bloggers too.

I can get with this list riiight up until I got to #9. I'oun know, L. 90 days is a little early to be cutting out the bench players. I mean he really has to charm the pants off me to get that. My thinking now is that I'm not cutting out the bench players until I'm one step from committed. He'll never have to fight for my time because the bench players are only called in when the starting lineup is unavailable. However, it would have to get real serious for me to drop anyone else in the picture. And I don't think I'll ever get real serious within 90 days again.

Other than that, I could get with this list. Basically, I already do most of this.

Agreed re: crazy folks. Shonuff!

NyRobi said...

Very,very, very interesting. It's always good to get a males insight into relationships. Thanks for that.

Gemini Girl aka GG said...

I must first admit that I hadn't even heard of the 90 day rule til visiting your site..and me likes and thanks so much for the deeper meaning!

I agree with everything you've stated I would just like to add...nothing you say can really be taken seriously in the first 90 days if you are naked, drunk and its daylight outside...:P

eclectik said...

That's hot biz

Why isnt THIS on the board? You're holdin out!

# 2 is key
#4 feh...no phone talker here
#6 indeed

LOL@ the P.S.


Anonymous said...

I've learned something new today. I only applied the 90 day rule to booty calls.

You lookin' for something that only lasts 90 days? Tried and true, hands down is a booty call. If you and the other person are still groovin' after 90 days, the terms have changed.

90 days later, somebody is gonna catch feelings and mistake good sex for the foundation of a beautiful relationship.

Oh wait, I shouldn't be blogging in your comments section.

That may be a blog in my land soon. Hmmmmm.....

But good look on this one!

Skoolboi Krush said...

smuckers - I don't know about enlighten but I appreciate the compliment. You are so right about people being upfront about what they are looking for. I got no time for guess work.

jaded - They do make it interesting but not in a good way. LOL

vivrant - I'm saying that you need to let the bench players go by the end of the 90-day period or whenever you feel like this is something you want to pursue seriously. If you can't let that sideline dick go then you aren't really trying to be serious anyway.

nyrobi - You are welcome. Come back and comment anytime.

GG - I'm going to have to add that to the list...be sober, clothed and midday.LOL

E - I'm not holding back just got to put the goods up on my spot first. As fare as #4, just let it be known that you aren't going to be having long drawn out telephone convos.

ieisha - no, i'm looking to decide if its just a booty call or something more by the end of 90 days. Let me know when you post your reply so I can check it out.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

im down with eistien, time is realtive 1 day, 90 day, 300 days, is relative - thats fake and contrived

Eb the Celeb said...

I cant believe you were giving me crap about long posts last week with this one... it is most definitely about the same length that mine was...

Anyway I digress...

Thanks for sharing Vivrants point. I never even thought of it that way before. I always thought of the 90day rule as being something to let a man you really like know your worth and that your not easy. That he will respect you more in the long run and it gives you a chance to get to know each other without the distraction of sex. But I like what she said about giving the man the chance to get rid of the side chicks and what not.

Brittany_83 said...

I don't know if I agree with this 90 day rule. Great post though.

Danielle said...

I don't know if I'm completely convinced yet, but I'm definitely going to try it!

Skinny Black Chick said...

I'm a first timer here, but I just had to comment. I absolutely love this post. While I may not agree with all of the individual tactics, I love the overall concept. People often jump into things rather quickly or the opposite prolong "relationships" that they know have no potential, so the three month window period is a great idea. Entertaining and thought-provoking post.