The Benchmarks

When you first start dating someone it takes time before you feel comfortable enough to show them your whole self. You have to make sure that they are worthy of seeing you, issues and all, in a way that makes you feel so vulnerable. There are no guidelines for when you should reveal things about yourself to a potential new mate; each person makes that decision for himself or herself. On the first date, you let them know about your crazy ex who might be stalking you. On date number five, you tell them that you did a short stint in jail for unpaid child support. Two months go by before you let them know that your credit is horrible and it will be ten years before you can buy anything without paying out the ass. After about a year, it’s alright to let them know that you are really separated and that ex that was stalking you is really your wife. No problem! Just let me know when you think it’s appropriate.

With that in mind, I was wondering what the benchmarks are for different sexual acts. How do you know if it’s alright to pull out your freakiest stuff on the first sexual encounter or if you should wait until the time is right? How do you decide that it’s the right time to show them your porn collection? Ladies, do you go down on a dude the first time you sleep with him? At what point do you decide to swallow? Guys, do you have to pull out all your tricks on the first night? If you wait, she might not ever put on that Girl Scout costume that is in the back of your closet. Like dating in general, I guess this is a personal decision.

When do you?

kiss on the mouth
tongue kiss
woman giving head
man going down on woman
woman swallowing man
69 position
introducing another female or male in the bedroom
sex in public
sex on a plane
whips and chains
going to strip clubs
dressing up...role playing
anal sex
introducing toys
introducing porn

I’m just asking because I know the rest of y’all are freaky like me. You don’t have to admit to anything that you don’t want to but you can email me if you really need to confess.


Opinionated Diva said...

I honestly don't think you can place a time limit and stick to it for every mate because some situations are just different.

With that in mind though, I can tell you so far that I have NEVER done the following...
-anal sex

-going to strip clubs (I'm guessing you mean together right? that aint happening for me)

-introducing a mate into our bedroom


...and most likely I will NEVER do any of these in the future. Although there is a strong possibility that I might try two of these, but only for my future husband.

Skoolboi Krush said...

ODiva - Without getting into which acts, what makes an act something that needs to be saved for a spouse?

Gemini Girl aka GG said...

Okay Krush I should not be reading this at work BUT..I think couples can do all of these whenever they see fit..I know when I was younger I'd put dates on kissing, sexing, etc..but now its whatever we feel whenever we feel..let it flow naturally..now if he whipped out the whips and chains on the first date I may be a lil worried..

never had sex on a plane..is that even do-able??...hmmmmmm
and how do you feel about handcuffs??
and what are *your* benchmarks???

Skoolboi Krush said...

It is all about comfort level with me. If it feels right on the first time we get together, then I am down for just about anything. However, I think with some acts it is important that you have a level of trust with your partner so I probably would not dress up like a cowboy at first. Once I get to know the woman, my motto is “I’ll try anything once and twice if I like it.”

As far as the handcuffs go, it can be sexy to let a woman have their way with you. I just need to have an extra copy of the key in case she wants to start acting a fool.

Opinionated Diva said...

That's hard to answer without going into specifics, but I just think...I just know...that there are certain things that I would be more open to trying with the one person that I am committed to spending the rest of my life with.

I was going to add more...lol...but I really do want to keep that as general as possible here.

Anonymous said...

Considering my last run in with MT Potential, I'm probably going to answer on the prude side of things.

But truthfully, I think it should be based on the feel of the relationship. But a few of those should be discussed before you hit the bedroom in all honesty.

The sex talk should occur during daytime, fully dressed and sober.

Eb the Celeb said...

I dont think there is an across the board timeframe for all of these so I will just give my opinion on them.

kiss on the mouth
(depending on the mood, for me this can happen on the first date)

tongue kiss
(depends on how much I'm feeling them)

woman giving head
(i only do it for guys I love... so however long that takes for me to love them)

man going down on woman
(i have no apprenhensions here... i have had men who only wanted to and we never had sex...)
woman swallowing man
(Never have)

69 position
(i've only did this with the guy I loved that I lived with... for me you should be coupled up and exclusive for real)

introducing another female or male in the bedroom (never have and never will)

sex in public (as an adult I cant even imagine where I would be feeling freaky enough to do it... but in HS and college you live for that crap...)

sex on a plane (ha!... i like space... and there aint enough room in that bathroom on the plane)

whips and chains (uh.. krush... what you got dominatrix going on over there?

going to strip clubs (i think this should take place early in the relationship, I go with my boys and I wish a man I was dating would invite me to go with him... you learn a lot about a man on how he acts in that type of environment.. and i would hope that if he was going to invite me that he would have a good time and not hold back)

dressing up...role playing (i dont think you have to wait long for this either, the first time should and can be interesting so if your having sex and both are into it... go for it)

anal sex (never have, neva will)

introducing toys (i feel the same way about this as I do the role playing)

introducing porn (i think you should watch porn together before you have sex and maybe you could learn something about what the person likes and doesnt like to make that first time less awkward...

Skoolboi Krush said...

ODiva - I understand keeping it general but you see how Eb put all her business in the street. Come on!

Ieisha - I totally agree about having a good discussion beforehand and sex is not the only thing that should be discussed while sober, clothed and awake. Any declarations of love should be made under the same conditions. LOL

Eb - Well, damn! I have to thank you for your honesty and openness. No, I don't have a dominatrix but like I told GG, nothing wrong with some handcuffs and a blindfold every now and then. LOL

Skoolboi Krush said...

Eb - Please enlighten me on what you've learned about a guy from the strip club and how it helped your relationship. Thanks!

Eb the Celeb said...

I have never dated a dude that would let me go with him. I have went with my boys before...

I am weird... and probably gonna lose some female readers by saying this but I actually enjoy going... when its a clean spot... I dont do the spots with the chicks who have gunshot wounds, and stretchmarks and c-section scars... but if a chick do her thang I will get up and throw some dollars her way...

one of my boys even got jealous because me and one chick started battling while get me bodied was on... he wanted to get in between us and start dancing cuz I was looking hella good that night and well she was damn near nude...

but as far as going with someone I'm messing with... if they can really be themselves and act like they would if they were with their boys in a strip club and they were with me that would be a huge turn on. That means that they are very honest to a point and I am a onfidant enough woman to know that its just a fantasy and that they arent cheating on me by throwing a couple dollars a chicks way.

But then again... I'm a weird chick, and dont know if any of this answered your question...lol

MsPuddin said...

Aw hell no! I’ve dated a man for three months before I found out he was married. That sucks! Lets see I’ll touch on a few…

Kiss on the mouth is whenever I feel right, preferably after a few drinks…

I will never, ever, ever, ,ever, ever, let no man bring another girl in the bedroom. Cuz that’s when he stops calling my ass and starts calling hers…

I’m always game for a strip club, that’s nothing, I go to those all the time…

I’ve always wanted to role play, never had the right partner. That’s something you just got to be comfortable with so you don’t feel stupid…

I’ve never done anal, so I don’t have an answer to that one…

I’m game for porn, once we start having sex…

soumynona said...

Skool! I feel ya and sometimes I've gone out with women before just to tell them that I am seeing someone else and I have been for a long time but I think you are hot as ish so lets just hang. I've only been slapped once. =>
To answer some of these questions with some tangible dates lets see here
- kiss on the mouth - this should occur on the first real date if you have pursued her. If you all met at the club or if you are in Vegas this can occur the moment the scotch hits the system
- tongue kiss - A little tongue should occur after the first real date. If you are in Vegas or if you met a chick at a club and you know its about to go down than the tongue kiss could be the deciding factor.
- woman giving head - sheeeed, do you really need a date for this? LOL but for real, this can occur about the 3rd or 4th date if you haven't had sex yet. There has to be some attraction but we men have to make sure her mind (mentally not her head game =>) is straight because if not and you all dont last long then she will harbor more anger towards you.
- man going down on woman - this can occur the first real date men love being the center of attention. A man going down is not about the woman (though she gets the pleasure) its about the man because he (has the chance) to get the fame
- woman swallowing man - this can occur as early as the first time she goes down but there is an order, if she has always swallowed then go for what you know when you do it. If she is curious then have a talk after the first time she goes below. if you would like her to then talk about it right while you two are getting close to foreplay, maybe over some wine. Now if she never had and then all of a sudden she cant stop slurping then either someone has lied or someone has just been turned out by another dude
- 69 position - this is a confidence position for women so if you bout it, then go for it the moment he goes down, we won't object ladies! But if you are curious but unsure, try to take a shower together (showers together are good after the 8th or 9th date, counting both formal and informal dates) then go for the 69. - 68 and 1 left over are good anytime after the 3rd or 4th date
- introducing another female or male in the bedroom - as long as you are with a girl you dont plan on marrying, you should intro the idea of another partner after the 3 month relationship warranty wears off (when you are free to cuss, spit, piss, fart, and belch simply be 'you' in front of your partner)
- sex in public - depending on how fun she is (bc guys are pretty much down) can occur with some sneaky fondling or in the park bjs during the first freaky month of the dating process. All out sex in public should only be considered once each partners sexual requirements have been accessed.
- sex on a plane - this is doable and it is exciting and thats all Im saying...it can occur on the first flight together
- whips and chains - introduced gradually, until full bodied latex (LOL, just kiddin)
- going to strip clubs - could be the first date depending on the person => If you are into her this shouldnt happen but if you are are just kickin it then as long as she suggest it it is cool
- dressing up...role playing - this is usually good foreplay for couple that has been together for a while so dont try it under warranty
- anal sex - this must first occur accidentally =>
- introducing toys - same as the whips
- introducing porn - before you all have sex, anywhere between the 1st and 5th dates


RealHustla said...

I got tired of trying to figure all of these things out a long time ago. I want to just get loose when I feel like it without having to worry about what the other person is going to think of me. I want to be able to please my partner as best I can as well. This is why I try to wait as long as possible before getting sexual.

Smuckers said...

For me, Time Frames are on a case by case basis. But I'm generally consistent in most areas:

-Kiss on the mouth: If I'm feeling the dude on the first date..and he has those sexy lips and a good grill....I'd do that

-Again...if I'm feeling him, maybe a little tongue will happen, too. But a tongue kiss is definitely a deal-maker or -breaker. A brother that can't kiss probably will not get any further with me.

-Me giving head/man going down: a relationship has to be established.

-swallowing: i only did that for my husband....

-69 position: if we've been "doing it" a while...and both of us are down for it....why the hell not?

-introducing another male/female: i don't think i could ever do this with someone i'm in love with...unless we're in a different state, the other party is a stranger, and we sign in blood that neither one of us would try to contact the third party afterwards...LOL

-sex in public: i'll do it in a heartbeat, with someone i'm in love with.

-sex on a plane: i hate flying

-whips and chains: i must be the whipper and chainer...LOL

-going to strip clubs: i'll do that on a first date. i have no problems going to a strip club while on a date. i've been known to treat a brother or two to a lap dance..

-role playing: why not?

-anal sex: uhmm...no comment...

-toys: if you're my man, and you're not intimidated by the toys....i'm down...again, a certain level of trust and security must be established

-porn: i'd watch it with my man...it does nothing for me. i actually find it funny....but whatever works for him...

Eb the Celeb said...

OK... so I thought it before... but now its official that my soumy is a straight freak...

and krush you got a little slut puppy in you too for even thinking up this post...LOL

soumynona said...

Surely you aren't too surprised Eb,
So when we gonna take that flight together?? =>

Skoolboi Krush said...

Eb - I already told you about non-strippers dancing in the club. Them chicks will beat that ass for stealing their money. LOL I got to respect your gangsta though.

Puddin - How can you date a dude that long and not know he was married? You never went by the house..called him at home...asked him about his living situation?

soumy - LOL @ I think you are hot as ish so lets just hang. Bruh, you have this list down to a science. The woman swallowing answer is a classic though.

realhustla - At least you know your limitations. So you put it all out there on the first time? I don't think I've ever met a woman like that.

Smuckers - So you got to be somebody's woman to give them head?

Eb - I am not ashamed of mine. You don't sound like a nun from the answers you gave either. LOL

Soumy - Get her, bruh!

Blah Blah Blah said...

LOL @ Soumynona @ introducing anal by accident...

Depends on if you are in a relationship or just effing for effs sake...
...in the end though, it depends on how comfortable you are with the other person.

FYI-sex on a plane after 9/11 is hard because they no longer will let two ppl in the restroom at the same time.
AND I may be very uninhibited BUT "swallowing" is the same concept as someone blowing their nose in your mouth...all slimy and shit, no thank you...lol