2.21.2008

Baby, What Page Are We On?

This weekend I read a book about a man who after going through a traumatic experience decides that he is going to pursue the one woman that he truly loves. He allowed this particular woman to escape his life during the player days of his youth. So after having the life-altering episode, he quits his successful job and moves to the city where this woman lives with her husband and two kids. He then attempts to win the affections of the woman who he sees as his one true love. Chasing down married women is on the extreme side for me but I can relate to his desire to reconnect with the person who represents the potential for great love, something to give him purpose. I think we all have at least one person in our past that could have our hearts if you could get a second chance under different circumstances. Somebody that you just can’t get out of your system even after you’ve had your chance and it didn’t work. Deep down, you still think it is meant to be. How do you know when it’s time to turn the page? If you don’t let them go will you ever be truly happy and find real love again?

I hear women say that guys seem to move on to the next woman (or women) like he wasn’t even bothered with the breakup. Y’all just aren’t paying attention. It takes a great deal for a brother to deal with that type of thing. The easiest way to deal is to just move on to the next chick and let her love heal your wounds but the truth is if you aren’t really going to let her in, the wounds will remain. Unfortunately, most of us aren’t equipped to talk about our emotions so we numb the pain with sex, alcohol, work or anything else that will get our minds off the way we feel. In the relationships following my divorce, I was prone to compare women to my ex. She doesn’t make me laugh like J; her kisses aren’t as sweet as J’s or her hugs don’t comfort me as much as J’s did. Obviously, I wasn’t giving these women a fair chance nor was I really allowing for the possibility of making a real connection. What I was doing was numbing the pain I felt from being a failure. Failure is a harsh word but it is how a guy feels when he goes from being the man of her dreams to that motherfucker who ain’t shit.

Someone once said that you can’t receive new blessings if you are holding on to your old baggage. That means the first step is letting go. Easier said than done, right? Everybody I know is walking around with some residue from previous relationships. I know that I have a combination of anger, embarrassment, disappointment, and resentment that contributes to my status as a single man. I’m not as bad as I was when the pain was fresh but I wouldn’t say I was completely healed yet either. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. So clearly I am not and expert on the subject of moving on. Despite that, my ear is often bent by my friends and co-workers regarding their relationship issues. I actually think that I give good advice. It’s easier to recognize a pattern in someone else’s behavior than your own.

18 comments:

Eb the Celeb said...

This is real talk here... and its refreshing to hear a man be able to lay it all out there like this. You definitely give good advice... you havent steered me wrong as of yet...LOL!

Anonymous said...

You are still that motherfucker who ain't shit!

Oshun said...

This message could not have been more timely for me. Thanks,again, for making me think....and smile!!!

eclectik said...

You big....what everyone is thinkin typin...livin the life we all are livin
Bullshit point outtin

Cool MFr

That's why you're you

e.

Skoolboi Krush said...

Eb - You see how my stuff is so take my advice with a grain of salt.

Oshun - I always appreciate a pretty smile

E - Man, I'm just trying to work some things out for myself.

dejanae said...

im sorry but im dyin @ that second comment
next
this post is the truth man
what was the title of the book?

Gemini Girl aka GG said...

wow this is enlightening...well what happens when you do finally move on and 2 years later this person that ain't shit comes back and whats to start all over??

Eb the Celeb said...

Daaaaammmnnnn... at the anonymous haters...

I cant believe you just ignored it and didnt delete... it would have deleted it and then changed my settings to not allow anonymous comments

Skoolboi Krush said...

Dejanae - The book was called The One That Got Away by C. Kelly Robinson

GG - I personally don't believe in going backwards. Your intuition will tell you if they've changed though.

Eb - I am not ignoring it just not bothered. Like we talked about before, its funny how people react.

The True Urban Queen said...

Men deal with the pain of break up by jumping into the bed with the first woman they meet?
I think I'll save my comments. Matter of fact, let me remember this for later (I'll have to blog on that one day).

Invisible Woman said...

Interesting perspective...but I can't believe all men feel that way. Maybe I'm being harsh...

Invisible Woman said...

btw, is anonymous one of your exes? lol! :-)

Skoolboi Krush said...

True Urban Queen - That is ONE way that mean deal with pain. We also focus on other things to avoid dealing with the issue. Obviously, its not the best or most effective method but its real.

Invisible Woman - Of course, you can't say all men do anything in the same way. Just my two cents. I'm not sure who anonymous is but I wouldn't be surprised.

Opinionated Diva said...

wow...lol - gotta luv those anon comments. yeah...that's me being sarcastic!

"It’s easier to recognize a pattern in someone else’s behavior than your own." This is so true...mostly because when you're on the outside looking in, you often get to see/understand a lot more than when you're in the midst of a relationship.

I suck at maintaining relationships, but for some reason, I look at the situation for someone else and give sound advice.

I might just pick up that book...sounds very interesting.

SimplyComplex said...

I can relate so much to this post. And I defintely have known men that have dealt with their pain exactly as you described it.

I've also been there as far as comparing every man I meet to my ex. In fact, I'm still struggling with that. It's a long, hard, road huh?

What's the name of the book?

Anonymous said...

Well, well, well...he really does have a heart...j/k. Seriously, you have truly shed some light on a this situation for me. I just finished telling a friend of mine that we as women take every relationship mis-step so personally. If our marriage fails, we look at it as our own personal failure...not acknowledging that there are two...count'em two people in this relationship and it takes the hard work of both people to make it work. I never knew some men felt like failures too. Thank you so much this blog...you opened my eyes to some things. I really appreciate your male prospective.

Skoolboi Krush said...

simplycomplex - The One That Got Away by C. Kelly Robinson

Anon - You are welcome. I think you would be surprised about how personal brothers take failed relationships.

Vivrant Thang said...

I could blog about this here in the comments but I'll refrain. Lots hit close to home as I've been dealing with a lot of this same stuff over the past year.

Good post.