3.26.2008

Fool Of Me

I once drove from Atlanta to Detroit to meet the grandmother of an ex-girlfriend only to have granny call me by another guy’s name for the entire weekend. Should have taken that as a sign of things to come. Visited out-of-town friends of the same ex-girlfriend and proceeded to enjoy myself while unbeknownst to me the girlfriend was plotting her break up with me in the next room. I guess I’ve never had good instincts when it comes to women or relationships. I’m the type who finds out everything that really happened after the fact. Many times thru the punch line to a joke that I’m the only one not laughing at. This is one of the primary reasons that I have such a wall around my heart. The problem with being so guarded is that it can be just as difficult to get out, as it is to let somebody in. When you meet someone who is worthy of taking a chance for, how do you get out of your own way?

I’ve been known to sabotage potentially good relationships because I wasn’t able to get beyond my fears, insecurities and trust issues. The more a woman would expose her heart to me, the more I would retract from her. The idea of being someone’s fool again was not worth the risk in my mind. The reward for my stoic behavior was nights, weekends & holidays filled with loneliness. The kind of loneliness that is too painful to deal with so you just pretend it isn’t there. Thinking that you are hiding it from the world, all the while it’s perfectly obvious to anybody who has known you for more than five minutes. For a little over two years, I dealt with my loneliness in that fashion. Mind you, I was involved in a relationship during this time. Sleepwalking my way through it. I once read something that Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said about when he really got to know God. He said until he was out of the reach of his well-known preacher father and his mother couldn’t come to his aid, he had just been pretending. By growing up in the church, he knew all the right prayers, the right voice inflections, and the right bible passages to make himself look like a righteous man. Once his house in Montgomery had been fire-bombed and everybody turned to him to do something, he really had to fall on his knees and get to know God. I was faking the funk in the same way. I knew what to say and what gestures to make it seem like I was totally involved in the relationship. Once I found myself in a situation that I really had to work to maintain the relationship, I just walked away.

Today, I find myself breaking down that wall from the inside. Letting the light of love come into my world. I’m still afraid of being a fool but I know that life in the dark is not for me. I’m taking baby steps but they feel like a Carl Lewis long jump to me. In the near future, I plan on standing on the podium receiving my gold medal.

Have you ever been a fool for love?

If you are guarded like me, what would it take for you to risk it?

How important is timing to finding the right one?

10 comments:

dejanae said...

never been in love
so no fool was i

im guarded onetheless
It'd take patience and the other peron opening up to me so i feel comfortable doing the same

don't they say timing is everything
You have to be in a place where ur ready
and find someone who's ready to be what u need

Opinionated Diva said...

"When you meet someone who is worthy of taking a chance for, how do you get out of your own way?"

WOW...that is a GREAT question. Hopefully someone will come along with a valid answer, because I am a LOT like you - I'm my own worse enemy when it comes to affairs of the heart.

Great questions at the end as well.

I can't say that I've seriously been a fool for love, but there was a time or two when I felt like I was with someone who did not deserve my time.

In order for me to risk everything, I'm going to need a very patient and somewhat persistent dude...and timing really is everything!

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

we all play the fool sometimes

Smuckers said...

I admit it...I'm a "love junkie"...and, like you, I've oftentimes found myself remaining in a dead relationship(or two) for fear of being alone.

I must admit that lately, though, I've found myself slowly building this wall,(surrounded by a hot-lava filled moat with a fire-breathing dragon on guard)....around my heart. And even with all of that, I've found that my heart CAN NOT and WILL NOT be contained.

A good heart ACHES to LOVE, but you cannot truly love if you have FEAR.

I do believe that timing is everything.

So, like you, if and when I meet who I hope to be the "right person", I'll be taking those baby steps...and maybe..just maybe, I'll be at the podium clutching my gold medal, too.

Paula D. said...

Yep, been the fool twice! I learned from the last time and definitely guard my heart more dilligently.

Gemini Girl aka GG said...

pretty deep...I wouldn't say I've been a fool of love but I've been blind to what was happening in the background...and still after a huge heartbreak I'm pretty open to love (someone loving me) when I start to catch feelings I do sabotage...run..hide from it..out of fear of rejection and/or break up on his part.
Timing is the key..when you are ready to open up and stay open and just live in the moment and meet someone at the same place as you are?..now that's beautiful and it doesn't happen often. and you do have to hold on tight even when you think your heart may burst.

Ieisha said...

Looks like I'm in the minority here b/c I've been a fool for love although I like to say that I love hard and deep. Only been 2 indivs that can say they've been loved like that by me.

I'm sorta still "foolin for love" right now.

Can't say that I've been guarded for very long. I try to be but then someone comes along and changes my mind so I think I didn't have my mind made up that strongly to get it changed so quickly. A hopeless romantic? Probably.

Timing...I think the timing has more to do with where you are in your self-discovery than where you are career-wise, financially, etc. It is when you aren't looking that love finds you. In my last/this relationship (told ya it's complicated) I had come to peace with being single based on where I was in life. I had COMPLETELY accepted it and then enters HIM. Threw me for a loop and a curveball. It was with him that love was redefined and I grew most as a person.

I'll give you the advice my BFF gave me...Prepare yourself to becoming the best mate you can be for the one that will find you.

And it sounds like you're well on your way to getting there; best wishes on the journey.

Skoolboi Krush said...

dejanae - I can't believe that you've never been in love. You seem like a very passionate person.

ODiva - I'm waiting for those great answers too. Being with someone who is undeserving is almost as bad as missing out on a good one.

All-Mi-T - Preach brother!

Smuckers - You know I'll be the loudest person cheering for you when you get that medal. Stop building that wall!

Paula - How do you receive love if your guard is always up?

GG - That is great advice. Does the guy give out signals that he might "reject" you before you start sabotaging the relationship?

Ieisha - You are so right about self-discovery. That has been my mission of late to figure out what I want for me and how to get it without all of the bs that life can bring.

Eb the Celeb said...

yes I have been a fool in love... and promised i would never lose myself in a relationship again...

yes i am completely guarded... i was before my heart was broken and i am even more that way now... it would probably take me almost losing someone i loved before i would take that leap... i know its sad but if a person doesnt demand that you open up, i probably wont

i think timing is everything... thats why i believe we shouldnt be so stuck on not going back to ex's after we've dating... i think certain instances you may have not been ready for that person at that time in your life but in the future it could work out

NyRobi said...

I had to make time to respond to this...

Here lately, your blogs never cease to amaze me...very, very insightful. Having said that...

Yes, I have been a fool for love a few times. Each time was in a different way, but a fool none the less.

Not as guarded as you are, but it's getting harder and harder to allow someone close to me.

Timing is everything is matters of the heart.