Do's and Don'ts

Hey y’all! It’s your man, Krush, back in the building. How was your Christmas? I hope that you were able to spend some quality time with your loved ones. I was feeling a little under the weather myself. Fortunately, my mom and sister were in town to keep me company and nurse me back to health. Checked out The Great Debaters on Christmas Day. It was a good but I could have waited for cable or the DVD. I’m trying to see that new Alien vs. Predator joint though! The most memorable thing about the movie was that there was an entire kindergarten worth of kids in the theatre. Black people! Why can’t we find babysitters when we want to go to the movies? Please let the rest of us enjoy the movie in peace!

I have a co-worker who just broke up with her boyfriend of nine years and is enjoying being single right now. She is a very attractive sister who gets plenty of attention from guys. More than once, I have walked pasted her cubicle to hear her phone-boning with her latest man of the moment. Not appropriate for the workplace but hilarious nonetheless. Recently, she has been flirting with a brother who works on a different floor. This dude is so sprung that it is sickening. She doesn’t have any serious interest in the brother but enjoys the attention (and playing with his mind if you ask me!). I think she takes it a little too far sometimes though. Like the night she broke up with her man, she went by this dude’s house and spent the night. According to her, nothing sexual happened. That may be true but you can’t be doing that when you know that homeboy wants to put his name on it. She also went to a family function with him where she met his mother, several aunts and his son. I told her that she was wrong for giving him mixed signals but she told me that she has repeatedly expressed to him that she wasn’t interested in getting into a relationship. Actions speak louder than words though, right?

If I ever get a chance to speak to this guy, I am going to give him the following advice:

Do's and Don'ts of Cultivating and Maintaining a Platonic Friendship with a Woman You Would Otherwise Want To Have a Relationship With and Quite Possibly Marry.

DO play and replay scenarios in your mind where you come out and declare your true feelings to her, whereupon you proceed directly to frenzied yet sensitive,
passionate, and completely fulfilling love-making.
DO NOT actually attempt this.

DO rehearse elaborate and impassioned declarations of your love
DO NOT ever let anyone hear you doing this.
DO NOT ever actually give her the speech. (Instead, drop little, enigmatic, self-deprecating hints to her, and then agonize over why she does not pick up on them.)

DO listen to all her problems with men:
No matter how many times you have heard her make these same mistakes (with other men),DO NOT get so entranced by her soft, full lips that you lean forward and kiss her. (Fantasize about it instead.)
DO feel the knife twisting and your insides tearing up as you listen to this
DO develop a gnawing enviousness that grows into an insane jealousy
DO commiserate with your close guy friends. See who can come up with the most heinously painful story about "The Treatment." Shudder in unison.
DO NOT confide in any of your female friends, because:
1. They won't understand.
2. They've done it themselves. In fact, they enjoy doing it.
3. They'll think you are talking about them.
4. They are obligated to pass on their knowledge to the Psychological Warfare Division of the Sisterhood to Destroy All Men.

DO get drunk
DO NOT get drunk and confront her
If you do reveal your true feelings to her while drunk or in an otherwise abnormal or altered state of mind (incl. unwarranted happiness, ridiculously deep depression, brain fever, etc.), DO deny and disavow all statements the next day.

DO say how it would be such a big mistake if you were to get together with her.
DO joke about it afterwards.

DO NOT cry, break down, and admit that you have been carrying a torch for her for ___ weeks/months/years/aeons.
DO NOT consciously avoid her for the next two weeks (avoid her unconsciously).

DO curse yourself for being a miserable, spineless, pathetic, emotionally-stunted fool.
DO promise that you will change, that things will be different.
DO NOT actually change.

DO agonize about whether to sign letters to her "love" or "your friend"
DO NOT pretend you are kissing her when you lick the envelope.

DO vacillate between fearing that she will discover how you feel about her and hoping that she does.

DO seek out opportunities to hug, air/cheek kiss, and give/receive back rubs
DO NOT let things get out of hand (if this should happen, apologize profusely and disavow everything)

DO become trapped in a shallow, meaningless, lifeless relationship.
DO NOT actually seek out a secure, quality, lasting relationship, as this would interfere with your fantasizing about her

DO complain bitterly about this awful relationship to all your friends and to her.

DO create a web page that is vague enough to be relevant to the masses, yet specific enough so that the one, special platonic friend you've been carrying a torch for reads it, comes to her senses, and fulfills your fantasy.