The 90-Day Rule

One of my favorite bloggers,Vivrant, requested that I give a full explanation of the 90-Day Rule. The 90-Day Rule is not my idea but something that was explained to me by a female friend of mine. She had just started seeing a guy and she noticed that he was constantly getting phone calls from other females. Her advice to him was that he had 90 days to clean up his act or miss a good thing. One day I asked her, “Why 90 days? I mean can’t you tell before that if dude is full of shit?” She replied, “I already know he is a good guy and that I want to be with him. I’m just giving him time to realize that ain’t shit out there better than me. Time to cut all his Plan B chicks! Y’all men are slow to see what’s right in front of you.” The more I thought about what she was saying, the more I agreed with her so I began to apply it to my dating life.

The 90-Day Rule

In an effort to get to know each other better, the potential couple agrees to abide by this following agreement. Since handbooks or instructions for life were never provided when we were born, here to, there are no absolute rules. These suggestions and guidelines are design to for us to determine if we want to be a couple, fuck friends, friends, or none of the above. Different events, time of year, and even the weather can influence our timing; therefore, the following suggestions are in random order. We will complete as many suggestions as we can (and make up more if appropriate) within a 90 day period.

1. Nothing brings out the truth better than some good drank. It’s up to you whether to do this immediately or wait a few weeks. It is very important to be relaxed and worry free for this exercise, so make sure there will be no plans to drive anywhere following this exercise. It should just be the two of you, without your friends around to influence the conversation or your answers. Just you and your shawty, 2 or 3 bottles of wine, a couple cases of beer and a bottle or two of Patron ought to be perfect. If you are not into adult beverages, use whatever substance causes your personality to default to its truthful self. That’s it. Just ask all the questions that you really want to ask. If you feel like this is job interview, stop talking and find something else to do. Trust your instincts, live for the moment and do what feels like the right thing to do at the time.

2. Discover what the other person’s “outside the relationship” interests are. We all need to be interested in something away from the relationship such as a hobby or career goals. You need something that will make you spend time apart. One must be comfortable enough with the others interest to encourage them to succeed. You are looking for balance here and not an obsession to be with someone, no matter how “hot” you think he/she is or how afraid you may be that they might find someone else because you aren’t with them constantly. Too much of anything, even a good thing can be very bad.

3. Discuss what you want to be when you grow up. We all have our hopes and dreams no matter what age we are. What you want to do for the rest of your life and your goals for the future are an important issue.

4. Talking on the phone can be a delicate subject, especially in the beginning of a relationship. It’s great to have long conversations if you want to, but if you don’t, don’t do it. If you don’t cut it short and talk for hours to avoid hurting the other person’s feelings, one of you is in trouble and the other is being deceived.

5. Find something to argue about. It doesn’t matter what the subject is, but the bigger the better. Pay attention to how the other person presents themselves. Determine if their method is passive or aggressive. The two most important things you are looking for is if they avoid conflict or meet it head on and if they can honestly communicate their true feelings. Be careful, you want to avoid the “built up and later blow up” situation.

6. As far as sex is concerned, you both need to do what’s right for you. If you both want to wait, go ahead and wait. If you both want to discover intimacy gradually, you should do that. In the event you want to jump each other because you need to know how the sex is before you proceed, do the damn thing! You should be thinking about compatibility here. Frequency, passion, and variety with sex are most important here. Being in harmony is important if you are looking for a real relationship.

7. One of the most important things in a relationship is a sense of humor. If you are attracted to the other person’s sense of humor, and you don’t have one, it can be an issue. Making each other laugh is one thing that will get you through some bad days.

8. Meet the friends. It doesn’t matter who or how many but you need to make that happen. This will disclose any negative feelings one might have about the other. If someone would feel embarrassed to let you meet their close friends, your relationship is relegated to the jump-off category immediately. If that isn’t what you want call it quits and walk away.

9. Let it be known to your other “friends” that you are not available. An easy way to ruin a new relationship is if you are constantly dealing with exes and other potential friends. Nobody thinks that you were just sitting at home waiting for them but having to fight for time and attention can reduce a person’s interest level.

10. Who’s the Boss! Is this going to be a democratic relationship or is one person clearly dominant? Are you willing to live with that? Sometimes one person is clearly the boss and the other partner is cool with that. If you both want to be in charge in the same situations, that is when problems arise.

When the 90-day period is over, we will use this experience to determine our trust in other, lifestyle compatibility, and chemistry. We understand that what happens after this is unknown but look forward to getting to know each other in hopes of establishing a healthy relationship.

P.S. At any point if you determine that the other person is crazy, this agreement automatically becomes null and void.

Waiting In Vain

Seriously, How long are you supposed to wait for somebody to get their shit together? I mean is there an official working test period like when you start a new job? You and I both know that when you meet someone new, they are seeing other people. Hell, they weren’t just sitting at home waiting for your ass to ring the door bell. Look at it logically, this person is single, attractive, employed, heterosexual and has a great personality. Somebody else is checking for them besides you! Matter of fact, you are casually seeing a couple of people yourself. Hoping that one of them will qualify for pole position. Initially, you think this person will just be someone new to spend to time with and potentially might turn into something more serious. (Hell, I’m too old to just be dating for the fun of it…everybody has to have potential for a serious relationship!) After some great dinners, blockbuster nights, fun nights at the bar, a couple bougie social events, and too many movies to name you realize that she/he might be someone to whom you can give your undivided attention. So when you meet this superstar that makes you want to drop the rest of the players from your roster, how do you decide if it’s the right move?

A friend of mine told me that she has a 90 day rule. At the end of the 90 days, each of them has to make a decision about whether or not to pursue a serious relationship. In that period, she expects the guy to get rid of all the Plan B chicks that he was dealing with in addition to her. It makes sense that in that length of time you should know if you have met someone that is marriage material. Let’s keep it real…you aren’t getting serious without the thought of walking down the aisle at some point. Fellas, I hear you. We don’t think of marriage until she is asking you what flavor you want the groom’s cake to be. Long before that, women have made a decision about if the guy is going to be a good husband, father, provider and lover. So is 90 days sufficient time to make such an important decision? Probably not but life and love is all about taking chances. Like most people, I’ve rushed into relationships only to discover that I never really knew her. Had that moment of realization that the person who is sharing your bed doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Maybe a 90 day probationary period isn’t such a bad idea. When does the clock start anyway? Everybody puts their best foot forward during the initial phases after meeting someone new. I’ve always believed that you need some sort of dramatic experience (need to borrow money, have a pregnancy scare, lose a job, etc.) to really know a person’s true character. If nothing like that happens in the first 90 days, are you still dealing with that person’s representative? I guess that is the risk you take with your heart.