If Your Heart Isn't In It...

I told y'all a while back that for some reason people tend to come to me for relationship advice. I guess they don't hear all my stories about sabotaging perfectly good things or having a knack for saying just the wrong thing at the right time. Last week, one of my new employees came over to my desk to ask me what he should do about a young lady he was "seeing", really that he was fucking. I sat him down and asked him to give me a little background on the situation. “Krush, I just don’t understand why a woman who knows I’m not looking for a relationship would still catch feelings.” I immediately knew he was in trouble but I wanted to hear the entire story laid out before I said anything.

Apparently, he and this young lady had gone to college together and for the past year had been sex partners. That was a red flag for me because in my opinion those types of relationships are temporary by design. After some time, you need to move on because you’ve gotten involved with someone else or god-forbid you want to try to turn it into a real relationship. To further complicate this particular situation, my co-worker had been spending significant boyfriend time with a chick he says he only views as a jump-off. By boyfriend time, I’m talking about going over for home-cooked meals, movie nights, and even hanging with her and her friends. Nothing wrong with any of that but it’s not exactly the ideal thing to do if you don’t want a woman to start feeling you. So as can be expected, the young lady has decided that she wants to take this thing to the next level. You can’t really blame her. However, dude has a full roster of chicks that he isn’t trying to give up. Settling down is the last thing on his mind. Did I mention we are talking about some babies here? Both of them are twenty-four.

The kicker to his sob story was that he had paid homegirl’s electric bill a couple months prior. As soon as he told me that I said, “Hell, if you pay any bill in my house, we go together. I can see why she is expecting this to turn into something.” All he could say to me was, “I have always told her that I didn’t want a relationship.” Shaking my head was the only thing I could do at that point. This was a line that men have uttered over and over again when trying to figure out just what went wrong in their attempts to be a player. I’ve said it a few times myself. I told him about his violations of the rules of a jump-off and he said that he just couldn’t be that cold about it. He needed to spend some time with this woman and admitted that the sex was too good for him to act any differently. My response, “If you don’t have the heart to be a player, get a girlfriend.”

That’s a lesson I learned early. I could never be a player so I don’t even try to live that life. Unfortunately, I’m not good a relationships either. Guess I’ll be a lonely old man. My young co-worker should take this a fork in the road and change his game. By the way, I’m not even going to tell y’all about the chick who acted a fool at his momma’s house the same weekend. However, its spring time and he wasn't trying to hear what I was telling him. We will be back here in a matter of months.

Ready Made

Lately, my weekends have been very different from what I thought they would be at the beginning of this year. Remember my NYE post about setting a goal to get out and be more social. Well, I am achieving that goal but in a totally different way than I expected. You see, my new girlfriend has a daughter who plays basketball. The last few weekends she has had tournaments that have taken up the bulk of the weekend. I’m not complaining because it’s been perfect for me. Anybody who knows me will tell you that I’m a basketball junkie and will watch it being played by anyone from little kids to senior citizens. Also, it gives me some good quality time to bond with my girl’s kids. Something I’ve been very nervous about from the beginning of our relationship.

It used to be a rule of mine to never deal with a woman with kids especially if the kids were less ten years old. Always felt like someone (either her or her ex) was trying to get his or her family back together and that eventually it was going to happen. As I’ve matured, I’ve come to the understanding that rules can be bent and broken if we are talking about the right woman. I’ve only dated two women with kids in my entire life. One’s child was off in college so they weren’t in the house and the other’s baby was a full-blown teenager who always had an attitude. Neither situation worked out but it wasn’t because of the kids. I’m at a point now where I don’t mind a woman having kids. Matter of fact, I kind of like that scenario better. Keeps my mother from asking me when I’m going to give her some grand babies.

A friend of mine who has kids told me recently that she would disqualify potential guys if they didn’t already have children. She said, “Either they are going to want kids, which I am not able to do, or they are not going to be able to deal with my kids coming first in my life!” I could definitely understand her feeling that way but I had to remind her that there are guys out here who will accept the whole package. I may be naive or just too optimistic about that but I truly feel that way. Maybe my current situation has me thinking all family-oriented.

Questions of the day:
What are your rules about dating women/men with kids?
If you have kids, have you run into people who were turned off by that?
Do you worry about potential mates not accepting you and your kid(s)?

Grounds For Dismissal

In the initial stages of a relationship, it is important to notice the ways that your mate likes to be treated. Everybody has boundaries for dating such as no meeting the kids until we are serious, no visits to my house or your house until at least the third date, respecting my time by calling when you are going to be late or cannot make it. Violation of these boundaries is grounds for dismissal, right? My dating experience has taught me that you need to be flexible about some of these at different times. Nothing is applicable to all women or all dating situations. I try to approach each person as an individual. However, there are some things that are universal.

The five lessons I have learned from the women I have dated:

1. Always bring up the issue when it is fresh and never let it fester.

2. It is better to admit guilt and suffer the consequences than to let her discover your transgression on her own.

3. It is better to take your time and be confident in your feelings than to rush into something based on infatuation.

4. Even if you do not feel like it, you need to talk.

5. Be consistent

Questions of the Day:
What kind of boundaries have you established for dating?
How did you handle it when someone violated your boundaries?
What are some of the lessons you have learned from dating?

I Love Your Girl

This weekend CL and I went out to get our party on at a monthly event for grown (some sexy….most not) folks. The type of event that brings out all of the men (me included) who are too old to be in the club and packs of women who want to shake their asses without having to fight off a stalker throughout the night. One of the first things we notice is that there seems to be a bunch of hard legs at this function. That is an unusual occurrence in Atlanta unless you accidentally wonder into one of the many gay clubs in the city. This is a city whose reputation is for women outnumbering men 12 to 1, At this point in the evening, it appears the hot women of Atlanta were getting crunk at some other function. So here, I am in a den of hungry wolves with a sexy lady on my arm. It was just a matter of time before one of them tried to make a move. This is why I always had a rule about not taking your girl to the club. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in handcuffing women when we go out. It’s not necessary that we are all up under each other for the entire night. My daddy once told me that nothing is as lame as standing outside the ladies room waiting for your woman.

We got there on the early side so we decide to grab some seats, some drinks and just chill until the crowd arrives. We had already enjoyed a couple hurricanes before we left home so both of us were feeling good. But it’s a party, right? So I step away to grab a couple overpriced drinks from the bar, crown & coke (me) and vodka & cranberry (her). I couldn't have been more than three steps away from CL when I spot in my peripheral vision a brother making a bee line to where she is sitting. I’m thinking to myself, “I know this fool isn’t about to holla at my girl who he clearly saw was with me!” I don’t trip though. Proceed to the bar to get our drinks but I did keep my eye on the exchange that ensued. They were out of earshot but I saw him step to CL and deliver his corny ass line. She quickly shut him down. He did the walk of shame back across the room to find somebody else’s woman to approach. CL flashed me a smile if to say, “Can you believe this guy?” The sad part is that this wasn’t the first time something like that happened over the weekend. The night before, CL and I went out for dinner at a neighborhood restaurant. Had a guy turn completely around from the bar and stare at my girl. A less secure man would have been ready to fight. I was calm because CL had just slipped me the black lace panties she removed while in the restroom. I had other priorities for the evening.

Some people might consider this behavior a compliment to the attractiveness of their mate. I’m not one of those people. It’s just plain disrespectful to me. It seems like a man isn’t immune from this type of disrespect no matter where he takes his woman. It doesn’t really come as a surprise. If you listen to popular music, there is the repeated theme of I’ll take your woman or your man. When did we just completely lose respect for couples? Was it too much Maury Povich or Divorce Court?

Has someone every approached your man/woman when you were out in public?

How did you handle the situation?

Have you ever stepped to or flirted with someone knowing they were with someone?

What was the result?

Loving Jezebel

If you've been reading this blog for any time, you already know that I have notoriously bad luck with women. The ones I like don't like me and I seemed to always attract the wrong woman. I was hoping that 2008 would begin a new chapter in my social life that could possibly lead to me finding the love of my life (Nia Long are you reading this?). Almost a month and half into the year, I beginning to get skeptical about the possibility of anything good happening. My latest misadventure revolves around a female friend whom I've known for several years. Matter of fact, we used to work together which is one of the many reasons why I have never pursued a romantic relationship. However, we have spent plenty of time outside of work talking about each others dating lives and our frustrations with trying to find a suitable mate. Physically, she isn't what I would gravitate towards but she is far from unattractive. She gets a little carried away with the weaves for my taste but I am sure that works for some brothers. From the stories, she tells me, it’s not problem for her to get next to a brother if she is interested. Unfortunately, in the last several weeks it has become clear that she has set her sights on me. You may be asking why that is a problem, Krush. It's a problem because she is hoe!

Hold up! I know that sounds rough. I’m not in the habit of calling a woman a garden tool but that is how she described herself. She is a self-proclaimed hoe. No, she didn't use it as a term of endearment like some sisters do. She used it to describe her predilection for random dick. In our many conversations, she given me some exquisite detail about her exploits on the hoe trail. Talked about dating married men and guys that she knew had girlfriends. To her I was like a confessional priest. Telling me about her actions and how it made her feel was like cleansing her of all her quilt. I was never judgmental about her deeds just a good listener. Maybe that explains her sudden desire to make our platonic friendship into something more, a clear violation of the Making a Hoe into a Housewife Rule.

Lately, she has been calling and texting me on a daily basis. Trying to come by my spot late nights and asking me to escort her to various functions. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem either but this is the type who doesn’t know how to be close to a man without getting physical. I made the mistake of having her over a couple Saturdays back. We were just going to watch some television and chill. This is what we did! When it was getting late and time for everybody to find their way to their own bed, she assumed that she was going to spend the night. Being friends, I didn’t really have a problem with that but where was she going to sleep. I have a rule about folks sleeping on my couch. Nothing worse than having company sit down and start sniffing trying to figure out where that Fritos smell is coming from. That means that she would have to come to bed with me. Let’s just say that I woke up on Sunday morning with this chick wrapped around me like a boa constrictor. From that point on, I’ve been giving her the Heisman. To her credit, she has tried to change her life in the last few months and become a respectable young lady. She says that she wants to get married and be a wife. Even though I’ll miss the stories of debauchery, I am happy that she is changing her ways.