Fellas, Save Your Relationship

I'm trying to take some of this advice.

1. After your next screaming match, right before the makeup sex, don't bother with the "I love you" cliché. Just tell her, "You know, you're the only person I'd ever tolerate talking to me like that. You're that amazing."

2. No screaming matches lately? Have one, fast. If she's screaming at you, she still gives a damn. Silence from a woman means something has died. (Or will die. Tonight. In his sleep.)

3. Drop this bomb: "You remember the time we [insert personal-best sex saga here]? I bet we could do even better."

4. Thinking about leaving her? Think about this first: No woman is perfect. The next one you pick up could indeed be cooler, hornier, and wealthier. But you'll soon grow tired of her crap, too.

5. Maul her for 10 seconds when she least expects it. A mini-maul here, a mini-maul there. Next thing you know, you'll have a strip-maul.

6. All the stuff you'd want after a breakup—nights on the town, drop-of-a-hat vacations, those long-put-off season tickets—you can enjoy right now. With a built-in date. So pick something fun and do it.

7. Learn a new sport together—like golf or fencing—that encourages you to admire each other's form.

8. As you ask your buddy for counsel on your girl's dropping temperature and increasing distance, did it ever occur to you to ask her?

9. Go Gomez Addams on her. Speak Spanish. Dance the Mamushka. Kiss her from her wrist to her armpit. Blow up a train set together. Cara mia!

10. Commit an unsolicited act of cleanliness.

11. This weekend, take her to the grocery store to buy ingredients for a great dinner. Also pick up food specifically earmarked as body paint.

12. You're both 10 excess pounds away from feeling good about yourselves again. Drop 'em together. It'll be you and her against the world, just like old times.

13. You haven't offered up a late-night post coital confession in a very long time. Surprise her.

14. Reinstate one courtesy toward her that's been lost since your courtship: opening the car door for her, bringing her flowers, holding in your gas.

15. Organize a cheesy diamond-commercial moment—like reproposing to her at Trafalgar Square in front of family. Overwrought? Yeah, but do the math: jewelry + effort + pigeons + her parents = months of rough sex.

16. Tried everything on this list and she's still unresponsive? It's time to smile, hold her hand, and offer her these five risky words: "Now it's up to you."